How to Raise a Helpful Child

Would you love to raise a child who automatically wants to help and often simply does something because they see the need for it? All without bribes or threats? In alignment with Montessori philosophy the author Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD , in her book Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Tell Us About Parenting, visits communities in Mexico to learn how to raise an acomedido -  a person who is generally helpful - a child (and later an adult) who simply helps out because they want to be a contributing member of their society. 

 

In Montessori we often talk about “windows" in the stages of development. These are periods of times where certain innate drives become more active, and sensitivity to learning is at its highest. If we harness the energy of that stage, then the child can make enormous progress. If we hinder it, shut down its energy, then we make trouble down the road. Like when a child first begins to try to walk. If in fear we keep setting the child down to sit, then the child's innate drive has been thwarted. Screaming and crying are likely to ensue.  And if it persists long enough, the child may become passive and stop trying. 

 

Young children desperately want to be part of the life around them and eagerly want to do whatever it is the adults and older kids around them are doing. But they often don't have the skills and ability to truly do the work, creating messes and "more work" for the adults. So many adults block their attempts by sending them off to do other things. Some parents will say that childhood is for playing and not learning work skills like cooking, cleaning, or repairing things. These parents reason that children should be "spared" because they will have to do those things as adults. Let them play and have a happy childhood.  What they don't know is that children who are turned away from their attempts to work begin to stop trying. Then we wonder why we can't motivate them later? Why don't they act like they are part of the group? Because in one key way, we didn't value their earlier clumsy efforts and input. 

 

So how do we harness these innate drives to help out? Both Maria Montessori and Dr. Doucleff noted that we first have to be willing to teach them and let them help out even though they might make a mess. This drive to help and participate starts often in the early toddler stage.  Encouragement and patience are the key elements. Of course, we still set limits and make sure everything is safe. We are still the leader. We don't hand over a large cleaver to a toddler - we give them a starter knife, teach them how to use it, how to care for it and where to store it. And we welcome their efforts to want to help us. If they get tired and leave, that's ok. No need to be punitive. Remember we are harnessing an innate desire to help. You can make mild suggestions/invitations but if you start early enough, children will usually be more than willing. 

 

There are also some parents who thwart these efforts because they think after an initial childhood of freedom and play, that children need to put academics above everything. They see learning to cook, clean, garden or do repairs as menial work. Not something they want their doctor/engineer son (or daughter) to do. These parents are also missing that key window where children so desperately want to engage in the life around them. And that includes helping out with every task they see the adults around them doing. 

 

So the earlier you cache in on this drive, the better. But even older children can be invited to help out. Set up times where everyone together as a group does a task like cooking, cleaning up the dishes, vacuuming/sweeping/dusting, folding laundry, gardening together etc. Make these family events. Make them a priority. Remember that “many hands make light work.” Teach your child to be a team player in the family so they will be team players in the larger social world.

 

So I encourage you to read Section 2: Maya Method including chapters 3-6 by Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD , in her book Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Tell Us About Parenting and begin to put these ideas into practice. 

 

 

Marla Nargundkar, AMI
Tree of Life Montessori School
treeoflifemontessori.com
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