Would you love to raise a child who automatically wants to help and often simply does something because they see the need for it? All without bribes or threats? In alignment with Montessori philosophy the author Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD , in her book Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Tell Us About Parenting, visits communities in Mexico to learn how to raise an acomedido - a person who is generally helpful - a child (and later an adult) who simply helps out because they want to be a contributing member of their society.
In Montessori we
often talk about “windows" in the stages of development. These are
periods of times where certain innate drives become more active, and
sensitivity to learning is at its highest. If we harness the energy of that stage,
then the child can make enormous progress. If we hinder it, shut down its energy,
then we make trouble down the road. Like when a child first begins to try to
walk. If in fear we keep setting the child down to sit, then the child's innate
drive has been thwarted. Screaming and crying are likely to ensue. And if
it persists long enough, the child may become passive and stop trying.
Young children
desperately want to be part of the life around them and eagerly want to do
whatever it is the adults and older kids around them are doing. But they often
don't have the skills and ability to truly do the work, creating messes and
"more work" for the adults. So many adults block their attempts by
sending them off to do other things. Some parents will say that childhood is
for playing and not learning work skills like cooking, cleaning, or repairing
things. These parents reason that children should be "spared" because
they will have to do those things as adults. Let them play and have a happy
childhood. What they don't know is that children who are turned away from
their attempts to work begin to stop trying. Then we wonder why we can't
motivate them later? Why don't they act like they are part of the group?
Because in one key way, we didn't value their earlier clumsy efforts and
input.
So how do we harness
these innate drives to help out? Both Maria Montessori and Dr. Doucleff noted
that we first have to be willing to teach them and let them help out even
though they might make a mess. This drive to help and participate starts often
in the early toddler stage. Encouragement and patience are the key
elements. Of course, we still set limits and make sure everything is safe. We
are still the leader. We don't hand over a large cleaver to a toddler - we give
them a starter knife, teach them how to use it, how to care for it and where to
store it. And we welcome their efforts to want to help us. If they get tired
and leave, that's ok. No need to be punitive. Remember we are harnessing an
innate desire to help. You can make mild suggestions/invitations but if you
start early enough, children will usually be more than willing.
There are also some
parents who thwart these efforts because they think after an initial childhood
of freedom and play, that children need to put academics above everything. They
see learning to cook, clean, garden or do repairs as menial work. Not something
they want their doctor/engineer son (or daughter) to do. These parents are also
missing that key window where children so desperately want to engage in the
life around them. And that includes helping out with every task they see the
adults around them doing.
So the earlier you
cache in on this drive, the better. But even older children can be invited to
help out. Set up times where everyone together as a group does a task like
cooking, cleaning up the dishes, vacuuming/sweeping/dusting, folding laundry,
gardening together etc. Make these family events. Make them a priority. Remember
that “many hands make light work.” Teach your child to be a team player in the
family so they will be team players in the larger social world.
So I encourage you
to read Section 2: Maya Method including chapters 3-6 by Michaeleen Doucleff,
PhD , in her book Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Tell Us About
Parenting and begin to put these ideas into practice.
Marla Nargundkar,
AMI
Tree of Life Montessori School
treeoflifemontessori.com
facebook.com/treeoflifemontessori
